Ack!

5/21/2012

Ack! I'm adding stuff to my Survivor: Desert Land website. Why ack? Because things are gonna be a bit chaotic for me, trying to get stuff to look nice on the Survivor: Desert Land website. So if you see something that looks sorta ugly, let me know! -Loxo123, your Duplighost.

10 Comments

BabyLuigiBot5000

5/26/2012 04:53:01 pm

Great story so far, Loxo! I also really like the 'site so far! Here are some improvements you could make, however. Keep in mind, I'm not saying the story is bad because of these, just showing you were the story could be fixed.

First of all, I'd like to motion to the first line of the Fun Ficton: 'A Duplighost walks out of- wait,' that part in the story looked a bit bad to me. Maybe add parenthesis? Moving on, 'A Duplighost walks out of - wait, before we go on, if you see a line and before it there's 3 *'s'. The '3 *'s' really confused me at first, you should say '3 stars'. Also, I found a tad of improper grammar with the 'there's 3 *'s'. 'There's' is a contraction of the two words 'there is'. Say this to yourself. 'There is three stars'. It just doesn't sound right. Try to improve it by saying 'there are three stars'.

Secondly, this is just a minor adjustment you need not pay attention to, but I think it'd make the story seem more 'proper'. Instead of just 'ok', I like to do 'okay'. Adding the 'ay' part to 'ok' just seems right to me, but if you don't wanna do this adjustment, that's fine.

Moving on, I don't really like how one person does an interview, and on the next line, another one does an interview. That just makes the story look like it's been planned, and in a real Survivor situation, I don't think it's planned.

Here's another minor adjustment you don't have to pay attention to, to me, it just looks wrong seeing letters, and then... A number. Try replacing the numbers with number words. For example, instead of saying 3 stars, try three stars. That'd look much better to me, and probably to others.

So then, that's about it for now. I really liked the story, and keep in mind, the reason I took all this time when instead I could've been finishing up my video, I wrote down these errors, two of them being small, so you could improve your story and make it seem more professional.

Thanks for your time, BabyLuigiBot5000.

BabyLuigiBot5000

5/26/2012 05:02:25 pm

Oh, sorry about posting here for the suggestions. I didn't know about the feedback blog until I posted. Again, sorry about that.

Koopa123

5/27/2012 02:48:39 pm

What are they trying to win? money? I think the reward for winning is never directly stated.

BabyLuigiBot5000

5/27/2012 04:00:11 pm

They're probably shooting for a million dollars. But it's not about the prize, it's about the fun in the game itself: Survivor: Desert Land!

woodette

5/29/2012 04:46:30 am

loxo123,i was wondering if u should start a point shop in which u use points gained from guessing coreectly whos gonna get voted off for survivor desert land t-shirts and tribe leader dolls

Loxo123

5/29/2012 05:56:48 am

@Woodette: I don't think that would be possible or easy to implement. First off, that'll take me some time to even learn the HTML to implemet that IF possible, second, it'll probably require some MORE fancy schmancy HTML to even learn if it's POSSIBLE, and finally, 3: I don't know if you mean REAL Survivor: Desert Land t-shirts and tribe leader dolls or what.

Loxo123

5/29/2012 05:57:58 am

On a side note: I HAVE send my next part to Lemmy. I have yet to see if Lemmy has saw the e-mail and read it.

BabyLuigiBot5000

5/29/2012 09:31:55 am

Great Loxo! I can't wait to read it! Also, have you considered adding the suggestions I made? Sorry about postin' them here, again.

BabyLuigiBot5000

6/10/2012 08:21:56 am

Great goin' so far Loxo! I really the story, and I enjoyed reading the Reward Challenge and Immunity Challenge! I also like how Bowser acts like he's an idiot, and how you got so mad at him because he stole your hotdog, heh heh. Keep up the good work!

BabyLuigiBot5000

6/16/2012 02:02:38 pm

I haven't been here in a while, but I'd just like to say how much better the 'site looks now! Good job, Loxo!

Ack!

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